This is my period of having a ‘break’ from the gruelling treatment that is my entire life. A time to get stronger before the next attack of my body with toxic drugs. The only problem is is that I’m feeling worse and worse. It’s almost funny, I have calculated that this year I have spent about 95% of my life in bed or more excitingly on the sofa watching shit shows that my pathetic brain doesn’t even remember let alone actually understand.
I’m pinning all my hopes that this one doctor can help me. Following this protocol like a god dammed desperate idiot making myself sicker and sicker and sicker thinking that it will be worth it in the long run. But just how long is this run going to be because I’m so exhausted? Does the finish line actually exist?
Well the trip to Washington was both good and bad news. They have taken a step back with treatment as my body isn’t coping well. I need a couple of months where they relax my brain after the total mess that it has been in. This is good as it should give me a better quality of life for a couple of months but clearly this is period of recharging the batteries before I attack again. Previously I had wanted to go through a period of hell and be better quicker rather than prolonging the course of treatment. After 6 weeks on the sofa unable to move I can confirm this is not the way to go and there was no way that the clinic were allowing that anyway.
I managed to have fun in Washington as I was not confined to my hotel room which was absolutely amazing! We made a lot of famous friends but to be frank they didn’t have much chat and seemed a bit fake.
Bieber was not at all impressed:
The word cougar has clearly not crossed the Atlantic:
Brad didn’t even acknowledge I was even there!
Taylor told me to just ‘shake it off’
Oprah totally agreed:
and George was a total gent and we discussed it all over a cup of Nespresso (decaf):
It always helps when you are in a position of power – ‘that’s two cups of Earl Grey, a slice of gluten free Victoria sponge and some cucumber sandwiches with no crusts NOW! Oh and why does the budget not stretch to a smartphone?’.
So I checked out my new pad. Hmmmm it would be a shorter commute to my appointments but where would I put my veg patch?
Michael was quite happy with a good American breakfast
And (a slight) upgrade 😉
Nah just kiddin – he couldn’t afford the babysitting bills!
Well, I’m off to the U.S. on Sunday. If I said I wasn’t worried about leaving my tiny house in my little village to fly across the Atlantic for an appointment in D.C. I would be totally lying! It turns out that my hair is actually falling out and there is something really wrong with my skin which is just fab. The least of my worries compared to everything else I know but come on give me a break! I’m really hoping that they will give me a gold star and say I have done the hard bit and things will be getting better from now on…pah somewhat doubtful I think 😉
I’m still trapped in my house. I have cabin fever and feel like I’m totally losing my marbles. I had convinced myself yesterday that all my hair was falling out and that I was developing adult acne.
I then went to Mr Google to see if any of my meds could cause those symptoms. I knew it was a mistake before starting but I just couldn’t stop myself! Of course if you look hard enough you can find those symptoms with every medicine ever developed. I have now realised it may take me a while as when I counted how many tablets I would have to take today and it’s 74 – yum!
…with the floor. It has been such a bad few weeks. I had a trial escape but I managed to have a ‘Power Down’ so it wasn’t that successful. I was going really wild having a cup of tea at my Aunts. I mean who manages to pass out in a chair?!?! Me evidently. After being carried to the sofa, where I remained for a couple of hours as I couldn’t move, I decided leaving the house isn’t really an option. Laying face down on someone else’s sofa for what felt like an eternity was a pretty big clue! I mean a gal just wants be on her own floor if she’s gotta be on a floor right?
It has become so normal now that when my Mum comes to my house and it’s quiet she presumes I’m on the floor somewhere and has a good look around. Problem is if I can’t leave my house how am I going to leave the country for Washington? Only time will tell.
No picture. I am fed up. All creativity has been sucked out of me, oh here you go this will have to do 🙁
Sod the sodding DVD! It has just been floor. Passing out all the time. More floor. Hands and knees to try and get about the house. More floor. Passing out even if on hands and knees. More floor. You get the picture – TOTAL NIGHTMARE!
Yesterday I thought being confined to the house was bad enough and that I may as well have robbed a bank and been given an ankle bracelet – at least then I may have made some money! Well today I managed to have another ‘power down’ this time on the stairs which was pretty scary. Fortunately I had my knight in shining armour to stop me doing myself a mischief. So it appears confinement to the sofa is now required although I have relinquished the power of the remote control in gratitude so no watching cartoons today 😉
What an optimistic fool I am. After posting the previous entry my mum picked me up in her car to go to her house for a change of scene. I felt like the house was tipping as soon as I had got in the door and I hung on to the dresser for dear life. Even with my Mum and her partner next to me I still collapsed. It’s like my body totally gives up and I have absolutely no control over it. I then spent ages on the floor (with Molly the dog) letting the rocking sensation calm down, hanging onto the floor for dear life. It took me about an hour and a half to get from the floor to sitting to crawling onto the sofa.
So, even after managing to tick off pretty much everything on my detox list yesterday (and I do most days) my brain still isn’t happy. I am totally gutted, I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I have been crawling around on my hands and knees with my phone glued to my side as it could happen to me at any time. I’ve had a few times when I thought I was going to have an ‘episode’ today but so far so good. It’s so scary as it’s so unpredictable, you don’t exactly want to be on the floor of Tescos unable to get up. It would be terrible – being passed out on the floor next to the doughnuts for two hours on my diet!
So, I’m not really in the mood for TV so the DVD is still safe and awaiting me on the floor which could be anytime soon 🙁
Today I have been far too hyper and jittery despite the insomnia last night to sit down and watch TV. Lets face it I do my fair share of that and it makes a change to have some energy. I still have that awful feeling that the ‘episodes’ could come on at any time but hey, what can you do? So, I have done some cooking and baking as clearly from last nights efforts (the messed up meal was actually still pretty good) I’m out of practice.
When my symptoms get crazy I get told to detox more (and more and more and more) because my body is reacting to the toxins released from killing off the bugs. This is what I have to try and do on a daily basis, but I am often too ill to do it all as you will see:
- I get up (normally after a terrible nights sleep) take my meds and then do 40 minutes in my portable sauna whilst drinking lots of water with Burbur and Pinella in (they help you detox).
- Then 40 minutes (or so) of yoga followed by a healthy breakfast of porridge made with almond milk with berries mixed in (good antioxidants) accompanied my more meds.
- Plenty of lemon water and decaf green tea throughout the day.
- A nutritional gluten free, sugar free, dairy free meal at lunch with more meds.
- Attempt to have a detox green smoothie (it’s not as bad as it looks).
- More green tea/ginger tea/lemon water/Burbur and Pinella throughout the day with more meds pre evening meal.
- Another nutritional meal with more meds in the evening.
- An Epsom salt bath followed by more meds pre bed time.
- I also have lymphatic drainage once a week to speed up getting the toxins out of my body.
Yes I go to the loo a lot! So as you can see you have to be pretty much fit and well to achieve all of the above, being ill is a full time job I just do what I can manage.
But I’m not perfect…I have the occasional chocolate brownie as I’m no saint – just kidding actually I am, they are gluten free, dairy free, sugar free (virtually, 90% cocoa solids). What a day I’m shattered 😉
I’ve not actually had a bad day today. Well not yet, it was exactly this time in the protocol last time that the ‘power downs’ started to get really bad. I had to go with my Mum to Tescos just in case I had an ‘incident’ but it was all fine and I really enjoyed getting out of the house. I feel a bit happier…for now, it’s like this thing constantly looming over me, I never know what or when something may happen. My anxiety is through the roof but I know that doesn’t exactly help. So I haven’t watched the cartoon yet but I have realised reading my Deliciously Ella books pre shopping was a bit stupid.
Oh and the other daft thing, attempting to then cook a recipe when tired. Tamari and Tahini are very different things – who knew?!? 😉