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The Benefits of Using Tamoxifen for Bodybuilding

When it comes to bodybuilding, athletes are always looking for ways to improve their performance and achieve the best results. One supplement that has gained popularity in the bodybuilding community is tamoxifen. While originally developed as a treatment for breast cancer, tamoxifen has been found to have several benefits for bodybuilders. Here are some reasons why tamoxifen is used in bodybuilding:

Increased Testosterone Levels

One of the main reasons bodybuilders use tamoxifen is its ability to increase testosterone levels in the body. Testosterone is crucial for muscle growth and strength, so having higher levels can help athletes achieve better results in the gym.

Reduction of Estrogen Levels

Tamoxifen is a selective estrogen receptor modulator (SERM), which means it can block the effects of estrogen in the body. By reducing estrogen levels, tamoxifen helps prevent the development of gynecomastia, or “man boobs,” a common side effect of steroid use in bodybuilding.

Prevention of Water Retention

Another benefit of using tamoxifen in bodybuilding is its ability to prevent water retention. Excess water retention can make muscles appear soft and puffy, which is not ideal for bodybuilders looking to achieve a lean and defined physique.

Improved Fat Loss

Some studies have shown that tamoxifen can help promote fat loss by increasing metabolic rate and promoting the breakdown of fat cells. This can be especially beneficial for bodybuilders looking to shed excess body fat while maintaining muscle mass.

Frequently Asked Questions about Tamoxifen in Bodybuilding

Is tamoxifen safe for bodybuilding?

• When used responsibly and under the supervision of a healthcare https://tamoxifen-online.com/item/tamoxifen-20-mg-wockhardt/ professional, tamoxifen can be safe for bodybuilding purposes.

What is the recommended dosage of tamoxifen for bodybuilding?

• The recommended dosage of tamoxifen for bodybuilding can vary depending on individual goals and tolerance levels. It is important to consult with a healthcare provider before starting any new supplement regimen.

Are there any side effects of using tamoxifen for bodybuilding?

• While tamoxifen is generally well-tolerated, some potential side effects may include hot flashes, nausea, and changes in mood. It is important to monitor for any negative reactions and discontinue use if necessary.

Overall, tamoxifen can be a valuable tool for bodybuilders looking to enhance their performance and achieve their fitness goals. As with any supplement, it is important to use tamoxifen responsibly and under the guidance of a healthcare professional to minimize risks and maximize benefits.

Porady dotyczące sterydów

Sterydy są powszechnie stosowane w środowisku sportowym do poprawy wydajności i budowy mięśni. Jednakże, ich niewłaściwe użycie może prowadzić do poważnych skutków zdrowotnych. Dlatego ważne jest, aby stosować się do kilku porad dotyczących sterydów, aby zapewnić bezpieczne i skuteczne korzystanie z tych substancji.

Zawsze konsultuj się ze specjalistą

Przed rozpoczęciem cyklu sterydów, zawsze należy skonsultować się z lekarzem lub trenerem personalnym. Specjalista może pomóc określić odpowiednią dawkę i zalecić ewentualne badania, które należy wykonać przed i po stosowaniu sterydów.

Dbaj o odpowiednią dietę i suplementację

Aby osiągnąć najlepsze rezultaty podczas cyklu sterydów, ważne jest, aby zadbać o odpowiednią dietę i suplementację. Zbilansowane posiłki bogate w białko, węglowodany i zdrowe tłuszcze są kluczowe dla efektywnego budowania mięśni. Dodatkowo, warto rozważyć stosowanie odpowiednich suplementów diety, które mogą wspomóc proces wzrostu mięśni.

Monitoruj swoje postępy

Aby ocenić skuteczność cyklu sterydów, warto regularnie monitorować swoje postępy. Można to zrobić poprzez mierzenie siły, obwodu mięśni oraz składu ciała. W ten sposób można dostosować dawkę i plan treningowy, aby osiągnąć optymalne rezultaty.

Podsumowanie

Stosowanie sterydów może być skutecznym sposobem na poprawę wydajności i budowę mięśni, jeśli jest odpowiednio zarządzane. Przestrzeganie powyższych sterydy anaboliczne porad dotyczących sterydów może pomóc uniknąć niepożądanych skutków zdrowotnych i osiągnąć zamierzone cele treningowe.

First of all, if you have read my benzo withdrawal horror story don’t let that scare you, just know that there is a chance that you will have no difficulties at all. After talking with the Bristol Tranquilizer Project and general observation in chat rooms and the like, it seems the journey can go one of three ways:

1. You will have very few problems withdrawing from benzodiazepines.

2. You will have a hard time or,

3. You will go through utter hell.

I was one of the unlucky ones in group three. There is no way of knowing which one of these groups that you will go into. It is not necessarily linked to the dose, how long you took them or even if you abused them – everyone seems to react very differently. So if you’re thinking of withdrawing I’d hope for the best but plan for any outcome.

The Benzo Brain:

The brain becomes very sensitive and unhappy when you take away the benzodiazepine which has been calming it down. I like to think of the benzo brain as one of those snow globes. Each time you make a drop in dosage you give that snow globe a big old shake. This can throw up a snow shit storm of random symptoms that will settle down with time. You have to do your best not to shake that snow globe to excess. Any little thing can nudge it and cause havoc with your symptoms: getting stressed, not sleeping, bad diet, up dosing, alcohol. Do everything gently and mindfully of that settling snow. That goes for everything from exercising to new supplements. Start slowly and be extra kind and gentle with yourself.

Know what you’re getting into before you start:

Most people experience a degree of rebound anxiety and insomnia, this is what these drugs are most commonly prescribed for so it makes sense that if you then take them away that these symptoms will rear their ugly heads. I took the benzos for neuro excitability (caused by my chronic Lyme), and insomnia. When the benzo was taken away from me I had difficulties with my senses becoming over sensitive and insomnia. When taken for insomnia, get rebound insomnia. Take it for anxiety, get rebound anxiety. Obviously there is no hard and fast rule, just an observation from personal experience.

I think that if we were told by the doctor ‘take this tablet it will help symptom X for a while, but there is a chance when you stop taking them, that symptom X will be even worse than it is now’ most people would never even start taking them. This is called informed consent. Informed consent should always be granted before taking any medication or medical procedure. I was told that I was on a low dose and it was inferred that there’re pretty much harmless. Errr no and hell NO. I won’t list all the withdrawal symptoms here as anyone can Google the long list of symptoms that are part of benzo withdrawal. Basically anything goes and you just don’t know what you’re gonna get – it’s a real life Russian roulette.

Get help:

Never just stop your benzo if you have been on them long term which is considered longer than 3-4 weeks. Always check with the doctor who prescribed them first. Just be aware that although they gave them to you, they may not necessarily have the right knowledge of the drug to help to get you off them safely. The guidance is to come off them slowly which can clearly subjective and can be interpreted as anything. As a result I’ve had physicians interpret that to mean a matter of days (hello ambulance) when unfortunately, if you have been on them long term the taper should be done over a period of months. So just make sure the people that are offering to help you with withdrawal are experienced. You are well within your rights asking them outright if they have the appropriate experience. Shop around for doctors until you find one that’s the right fit. If they’ve never heard of Professor Heather Ashton just bolt for the door in my opinion.

Definitely get the RIGHT support. I would never suggest going to a clinic or a drug and alcohol service unless you have a problem with addiction and not physical dependence. If you don’t know the difference get educated before handing over your life to them to control. If you have no problems stopping and have no cravings or get any kind of high, but it’s the withdrawal symptoms that you struggle with, chances are that your dependant not addicted. Do not sign your rights over to these people unless you feel you need strict drug regimens, drug testing and counselling to help with cravings. It was without a doubt one of my biggest mistakes that I made during my withdrawal.

Warn your friends and family that you may potentially turn into a ‘psycho bitch crazy person’ and to just take it all on the chin for a while. One minute I’d be laughing hysterically, the next wanting to end it all. People going through withdrawal are hard to be around, especially when we don’t really know what we want from those trying to help. It makes it impossible for them. Some days I could not be alone but others I needed time to myself. Just make people in your life aware that your needs can change quickly and to respect that and that it will be temporary.

How to taper successfully:

Start with checking out the Ashton Manual. This was the method that I used initially until it was too fast for me. Remember it is simply a guideline and has its limitations. It’s a good way to introduce doctors if you’ve got a ‘these are totally harmless you can just stop them’ doctor like I came across. I found that the taper speed was way to fast at the end for me, but I think it’s a really good place to start. It also involves crossing over onto the easiest (arguably) benzo, Diazepam, to titrate down on as it has more sizes of tablets available. Go as slowly as you need to – remember you’re tying to take away just the right amount of benzo to not cause that snow globe to shake excessively – what we call a smooth taper. You may need to speed up, slow down and alter the rate continuously throughout your taper.

When you get to smaller doses I’d advise crossing over to liquid diazepam as it’s much easier to measure out which makes it more accurate and thereby safer. Some doctors will tell you this doesn’t exist (this happened to me) it does, they just don’t know about it as it is not commonly used in everyday practice – another red flag if you’re trying to assess someone’s ability to assist you in withdrawing from benzos.

Try not to up dose, take Z drugs (zolpiderm, zopiclone) or self medicate with alcohol to feel better. It just causes kindling (I’ll do another post explaining this phenomenon) and only helps temporarily. You’re basically confusing the hell out of your brain. Your taking away the benzo and your brain really doesn’t like it, causing a range of symptoms whilst it tries to find its feet again. You have to sit this time out and wait for that snow globe to settle. By adding in more of another substance that acts in a similar manor you’re just topping it up a little bit, this will feel temporarily better only to confuse your brain once more and make it more difficult next time you drop a dose. You’re essentially tap tap tapping that snow globe each time you do this and the brain really doesn’t like it.

Don’t make strict withdrawal schedules and stick to them rigidly. You simply do not know how your body will react to each drop so how on earth can you plan anything with absolute certainty? At the clinic I was forced to drop every two weeks. If you look at the pharmacokinetics of diazepam (please bear with whilst I geek out a little) you can’t plan schedules around two week time tables. The withdrawal symptoms have not even peaked at the two week mark. So your making a drop in your dose without even letting your body tell you how it’s doing first. If you’ve a sensitive brain like mine was, this can be too much for you and trust me, your brain will let you know. It makes more sense to make cuts every four weeks to begin with so that you can monitor how you respond. I found that some symptoms would start about four days after dropping the dose but the peak of my symptoms happened at the two week mark. Waiting two more weeks for those symptoms to start to ebb and to then go through the whole cycle again made sense to me. I didn’t personally micro dose as I couldn’t get my head around how you’d know if the rate was right for you or not, but I can see how it could work – taking away extremely tiny amounts each day so your only giving that snow globe a gentle tap and never a huge shake.

Journaling:

Keep a symptom journal as the days can merge into each other and it can really feel like your making no improvements at all. It’s important to see how your body is reacting after each cut to then be able to adjust your taper accordingly. It’s also hard to be objective about your progress as it can feel pretty slow, but gradually things start dropping into place and it’s really helpful to look back and see the changes. It’s also a good way to release a lot of emotions by jotting down how you’re feeling. A lovely mixture of drug induced anxiety, hopelessness, depression, frustration, hate at the medical and pharmaceutical profession and anger at yourself for even taking the evil dammed stuff, if you’re anything like me. Oh it’s a total riot and you need to find ways to cope with it best you can.

Diet:

Try to eat a nutrient dense diet and drink plenty of water to keep your sensitive brain happy. Avoid caffeine, alcohol and stimulants as they have a tendency to poke the snow globe and ramp up the anxiety. There are so many diets, it’s so individual, you really have to find what works for you as we are all so different. I had a plant based diet and avoided dairy, gluten, processed foods and sugars. I noticed a big difference in my anxiety and my sleep if I had sugar or dairy. I think it’s trial and error what works for you – jot it all down in your symptoms diary and patterns will emerge. The thought of meat or fish made me feel physically sick. I believe that it was my bodies way of telling me that I needed a more easily digestible diet to give my GI tract a break so it could focus on healing my brain. A simplistic and perhaps unscientific view, but none the less that’s how I felt about it.

Distraction is key:

Do what ever you can to distract yourself. At my worst all I could do was to take deep breaths to just get through that hour, not thinking any further ahead than that. On advice from the Bristol Tranquiliser project I found that the body scan (a progressive relaxation technique) is good to run through to try and relax your mind. Stress definitely made everything a thousand times worse –  I may as well have launched the snow globe across the room. So do anything that your body allows you, within the limits of your symptoms, to relax. So, that may be simple but effective breathwork and meditation, yoga or trying to lose yourself in a hobby or a gentle walk. I found watercolour painting very therapeutic. I could lose myself for hours and I feel it just gave my brain a break from worrying about what was happening to me. Find something creative to lose yourself in for a bit. I also found the Wim Hof breathing method and ice baths (on days I felt up to it) very helpful. I found the ice baths really calmed down my nervous system and eased any anxiety. It sounds totally counter intuitive but trust me, it works.

One final tip:

Step away from the internet! Stop torturing yourself Googling and comparing to others – your journey is your own. I used to go on forums and compare my stage of withdrawal with others and get so jealous that some people seemed to be able to carry on as normal. I would also stress myself out about symptoms that I never even experienced. Although it can be initially helpful to realise that others are going through something similar, I think ultimately it stressed me out more than it helped me in the end. Remember that most of the really opinionated people in these forums are not medically qualified and what they are saying may not be true for everyone. Accept that the only control you have over what’s to come is how you react to it. If you live in absolute terror of what seems like the 2,934,592 random symptoms that could happen, chances are that some of them will appear. You have to learn to switch off and accept that this is your path for now. That things will get better in time and you CAN reclaim your life free of these evil drugs one day. Every day is a step closer to that.

I think most people have an idea of what drug withdrawal looks like; potentially a weekend chained to the radiator shaking, sweating and chugging Gatorade if you go by most TV’s portrayal. If only it was that easy. The cruel thing about benzodiazepine withdrawal is that it can take months, if not years to get through and going cold turkey (or just too quickly) can be really dangerous.

Eventually I got down to 2mg of Diazepam and at this point life was absolutely unbearable. It’s almost beyond words how bad things got but I will try to explain best I can. My neuro sensitivity was through the roof. I was so sound sensitive that I was confined to bed with ear plugs in and ear defenders on and still struggling – bin day was dreadful. Any sound was completely excruciating and would leave my ears screeching with tinnitus and I’d feel like my head was going to explode. I couldn’t run a tap, eat solid food, listen to music, hell, I couldn’t even speak. My mum had to move in with me and it was like living on the set of A Quiet Place. No shoes, no speaking, phones off, doorbell unplugged, plastic utensils and towels on every single surface to dampen the sound. I couldn’t even have hot water as just the hum of the boiler would leave me practically rocking in the corner of the room. I would communicate via pen on paper and even the sound of the pen scratching the paper would be too much. I could not step foot outside the house. I was so sound sensitive any noise was totally debilitating and confusing as I could not identify what it was or where it was coming from. A bee flying past sounded exactly the same as a drill being used a few houses down. Superman must have felt absolutely fooked!

Now, add to that light sensitivity, I lived in my sunglasses and ear protectors – quite a fetching combo. I couldn’t focus on anything, so that made communication rather difficult as I was communicating via Sharpie pen. I learnt British Sign Language years ago but it wasn’t that useful when nobody else knows it, besides I could only remember ‘Liverpool’, ‘Lesbian’ and half the alphabet – not that helpful!  We’d try and play cards to pass the time but after a couple of rounds my eyes would roll into the back of my head and my eyes would twitch rapidly under my eyeballs. The only thing I could do was to lay in a dark room with zero stimulation. I couldn’t use my phone or read. My mum would reply to my text messages for me as people were starting to get concerned as I’d just dropped off the planet, even more so than usual. That’s no sound and no vision. See how slow your day drags when you can’t rely on any of your senses. It’s painfully S.L.O.W!

My mouth became so sensitive my mum made me soup, I couldn’t have anything with any crunch at all, and I accused her of filling it with chilli’s. Everything from that point tasted like the hottest chilli. Strawberries were particularly bad, my mouth would be on fire for hours after. So I had to have totally tasteless, cold, liquid food with plastic spoons as the sound of cutlery was simply awful- hello custard diet.

It got worse. The auditory hallucinations became simply horrific. It would sound like a line from an orchestra, probably about three seconds of it, very loud on repeat. All the instruments rocking out and going crazy. Variations of the same acoustic tune for three seconds on repeat for months and months on end. I still have it now, six months free of the drug, but it is much much quieter and far less intrusive. It was absolute hell. On top of that I would hear sounds that weren’t there. For example I would hear the whirr of he microwave going when it wasn’t even plugged in, but it wouldn’t stop, continuing on in my head until my frazzled brain latched onto another sound. I would hear children giggling in the middle of the night – that was a creepy one. It was like my brain recorded random sounds during the day and played them back to me on repeat. I had to have someone with me at all times as I had no idea what was real and what was not. Just writing now this brings me out in a cold sweat. I would not go through that again for all the money in the world.

If I had too much stimulation, and I’m talking hardly anything as I was in a dark, soundless room for months, my brain would ‘flip out’ – perhaps not the right medical terminology. It’s hard to describe but it was like I lost control of my mind. It would feel like I was falling through random thoughts not stopping on one long enough to work out what it was. It was like flicking through the channels on the tv so quickly that you get a glimpse, but not quite enough to ascertain what it even was. I had this same sensation when I had my initial seizures. It was frightening and it would come on out of the blue and could last hours. All I could do was stay still in my dark room and take deep breaths until it passed. I swear if I hadn’t had already explored so much meditation and the Wim Hof method I would have had to have been sedated to just cope. This would never have helped the withdrawal and I’d probably be medicated up to the eyeballs and locked up somewhere to this day.

It would have been great if I could have distracted myself with a film, or music or a chat but that wasn’t possible. I was in my own private and very isolated hell. I still could not sleep because of the insomnia and then add trying to sleep when you have a jazz band going off in your head on repeat – impossible. When I did finally sleep I would have night terrors. I’d wake up soaked through and shaking for hours, questioning what was real or not, embarrassed that my subconscious could imagine something so violent. My anxiety, understandably, was through the roof. It’s not something I have ever had trouble with before withdrawal. If someone did not get back to me immediately via text I’d pretty much assume they’d died in a horrific accident. I just could not cope with anything.

To be quite frank I pretty much wanted to die most days. No correct that, I didn’t want to die, I just could not live like that for another second, it was pure torture. I just needed a break from the relentless symptoms – I was desperate and terrified of things getting even worse. The symptoms were so bizarre I really never knew what would pop up next, anything goes. I lived in a state of constant terror. What do you have when you can’t rely on any of your senses and you’re plagued with endless hallucinations? When do you say enough is enough? It was that bad.

The Bristol Tranquiliser Project were wonderful. My poor GP was totally out of his depth and wanted me to see a Psychiatrist because he was still on the,  ‘this doesn’t happen with benzos as there’re safe’, train. The charity helped my GP and my family thorough it all. They explained that all my symptoms that I was having, although shocking, were completely normal. Read that again. TOTALLY NORMAL. The Bristol Tranquiliser Project are on the phone to people like me all day long. It’s unbelievable. How does nobody seem to be aware of how bad these drugs can be if this hell is considered normal?

Not only was it shocking that this horror show of symptoms (and I’m just explaining the predominant ones) was just normal, this can last for up to two years AFTER getting off of the evil stuff. I hadn’t even got off it yet. It wasn’t a case of getting through each day, it was about surviving the hour. My poor mum and dad really stepped up to the plate and did absolutely everything within their power to help me. I know it was horrendous for them to watch me suffer for so long and not be able to do anything about it but wait it out with me.

We knew there was no point paying large amounts of money and packing me off to a detox centre. These centres advertise the freedom from these drugs sometimes in as little as two weeks. To someone trying to get free of them this sounds like absolute heaven and too good to be true – that’s because it is. Yes, they can get you off Diazepam in two weeks but Diazepam has such a long half life the withdrawal symptoms may not even start to hit you until you’ve packed your bags, said your goodbyes and left the facility. Just imagine that, paying vast amounts of money for ‘expert’ help and they haven’t even helped you with the withdrawal, just put you in it, anyone can do that. I can only imagine how fun that rapid withdrawal is after the problems I encountered over months and months. I’ve heard many horror stories about these facilities.

And the worst part of all of it? If I’d got the right help in the first place (it wasn’t for lack of trying) all of this could likely have been avoided. My taper speed was simply too fast for me.  It’s awful that I went through days of seriously contemplating ending my life (and a lot of people sadly do act on those desperate thoughts) over something that could be totally avoided if only it was educated properly and people were more aware of the dangers. Hence me harping on about it on my blog and social media. Despite the dangers of these drugs becoming more and more apparent the amount prescribed is still rising year on year. There has been a 29% increase in Diazepam prescriptions over the last 12 years. This has to change.

If anyone is UK based and searching for help with withdrawal from benzodiazepines or antidepressants I highly suggest the Bristol Tranquilizer Project (they’re NHS): Bristol Tranquilliser Project – Home (btpinfo.org.uk)

By March 2020 Covid hit and with it came the lockdown. This meant that the drug and alcohol service could not see anyone in person for the foreseeable future. The powers that be decided that it wasn’t safe for patients to drop doses of medications as they could not offer any in person support. Everyone was put on a drug reduction pause. Little did they know that the thought of not going in every two weeks to that soulless, depressing place to pee in a cup and to be told everything I was experiencing was just in my head was the best news I’d heard in ages. Thank you Boris!

I know that the drug and alcohol service is very underfunded and does have strengths in other areas, but withdrawal from benzodiazepines was clearly not one of them. I really felt I could have crawled in on my hands and knees wrapped up in tinfoil, declaring that I was the rightful Queen of Scotland and they would have just written it down in my file, told me to ‘just get on with’ it as ‘Diazepam is safe to come off of (it isn’t)- see you in two weeks, bye’. It actually tickles me that they truly felt I was losing my support when they closed, I just felt pure bloody relief.

Just in case you haven’t picked up on it I found the drug and alcohol service no support whatsoever. They just increased my anxiety as my valid concerns were always dismissed as nothing and they forced me into strictly timetabled drug reductions I knew were not right for me. In fact they’re not right for anyone as you never know how you will react to a reduction until you actually do it and withdrawal symptoms can take days, even weeks to kick in. I now had to go to the pharmacy every few days as they put me on an addict’s prescription despite how hard it was for me to get there because of my symptoms. My pharmacist was puzzled as he’d prescribed me buckets of the stuff for years and now that I had asked for help to stop I was being rationed despite never abusing it – I was puzzled too!

I later found out (by mistake) that they actually very rarely dealt with benzodiazepines (not a shocker), but none the less still felt more than qualified to advise me. My GP could not help me as he would not go against the advice of the ‘experts’ and didn’t understand it, like so many doctors – it’s simply not taught. He was forced to follow the advice of the ‘experts’ that I’m not entirely sure had even done it before. Their badges should have read ‘some drugs and alcohol service’ and if we haven’t come across that drug we’ll just wing it. The battles I had with them were relentless. I was once told over the phone that the dose I was on was hardly anything (5mg at this point) and I could just stop it as the symptoms are only psychological so I’d be fine. This is terrible, terrible advice. 5mg is still a huge amount of Diazepam and it should never be just stopped, especially if you have a history of seizures. The symptoms are most certainly not ‘just’ psychological and they’re accompanied by numerous totally debilitating and frightening physical symptoms (especially when you taper too fast). It was terrible and I very selfishly would have been happy for lockdown to stay around forever if it meant I never had to go back there again.

I started to feel a bit better as I was able to stay on the same dose for a few weeks. This is how benzodiazepine withdrawal should go. Go at a rate that suits you. It shouldn’t have taken a global pandemic to allow me to do this. However, it was on my mind that at any point the clinic could decide that I needed to drop a dose again so I planned to get ahead of the curve. They were forcing me to go at 1mg every two weeks. With the help of Google I devised a plan of going 0.25mg every couple of weeks which seemed much more sensible. It literally felt like a race against the pandemic. I needed to be off the Diazepam at my slower (it was still too fast) rate before I was forced to go at the much faster rate. Where others were counting down the days until lockdown ended, I was desperately trying to achieve what I needed to get done, before I was forced to do something that I knew in my gut, would not end well for me.

A big problem (another one) with coming off benzodiazepines is the tiny tablets that only come in big doses. This meant that the only way I could get a small enough increment was to dissolve a tablet in alcohol and tip a fraction of it away. It was very complicated, not very accurate and basically just DON’T DO IT THIS WAY! A benzobrain can be so sensitive even a couple of mls of vodka is just not a good idea. Some people use jewellers scales to try and measure such tiny tiny bits of benzo – it is not easy, especially when you’re going through withdrawal at the same time.  I carried on in this manner for a few weeks thinking I was doing great. Occasionally the clinic would call me to check in and I’d just lie and say I was staying at the same dose that they were prescribing. I wasn’t proud of the deception but what choice did I have? I either waited until I was forced to drop the dose dangerously fast by them, or lied to try and do it in a slower, what I thought was a safer manner. Needs must when the Devil drives and benzo withdrawal is one hell of a ride.

After a few weeks I noticed that my neighbours were playing their music too loud and when my mum visited she just wouldn’t shut up or use an ‘inside voice’ like…ever. What I didn’t realise that this was the start of the neuro sensitivity and it was to get much worse. I think it was a normal reaction to think everyone around you is loud and inconsiderate rather than realise that it’s your brain that just can’t cope with anything. That it wasn’t in fact the neighbours playing random music at all hours but the start of my auditory hallucinations.

My sleep, well you can’t call it sleep, got worse and worse.  I actually got to the point where I was lucky to get 20 mins at about 10.30am and I thought that I was going to lose my mind completely. People would tell me that ‘you fall asleep and kind of drift off’ and its ‘perceived sleep loss’ as people can’t live that long without sleep. Anyone who has been through intense withdrawal will join me in a big eye roll to that statement. I’m pretty sure you can’t fall asleep and not realise it when you’re literally pacing around the house all throughout the night. I’d also get the advice to do more and not nap. Another eye roll to that. You can’t nap it’s like you’re totally exhausted you can hardly think straight but you’re on high alert, totally wired. Could you take a leisurely ‘nap’ with a psychotic killer screaming that they’re going to skin you alive, chop you into pieces and eat you as soon as they manage to break the door down? No, didn’t think so. That’s what it feels like. Yes it turned out, my ‘safe way’ that I researched online wasn’t working either – imagine that, shock horror!

So, I nervously returned to the drug and alcohol service to get started on my Benzo taper. I was once again spot tested for illegal drugs. I had to do this every time I went there and it never got any easier. I had to smile to myself at the irony, only an hour previously I’d been shovelling Spirulina into my green smoothie – the closest thing I’ve come to a powdery substance! Putting dangerous illegal substances was definitely not part of my problem but I understood why it had to be done.

It was explained that I would begin with switching from my Clonazepam to Diazepam as we had discussed previously. I was now down to 500mcg of Clonazepam which is roughly 10mg of Diazepam. I met with the nurse that prescribes the drugs and my caseworker again and it was all very reassuring, positive and almost jovial. However, they wanted me to cross over drugs in a matter of days, but I had read from multiple resources that this should be a process over weeks. I questioned this and got told told in no uncertain terms that I do it this way, or leave their facility. It was scary how badly they reacted to what I thought was a perfectly reasonable question but I was so desperate for help I went along with it. It was no longer friendly – I very much felt like I was a naughty student in the head mistresses office.

The nurse then wanted me to transfer to a much higher equivalent dose of 15mg Diazepam which made no sense to me. Why go up to come down when I’d spent so long trying to painfully reduce to that dose? I asked this question and this was a big mistake as she was now positively fuming. I just wanted her to explain why but I was repeatedly told ‘this was just the way we do it’ and to ‘leave if you don’t want to do it our way’. I really needed their help (or so I thought at the time) I was in a catch 22 as they were now prescribing my benzodiazepine and missing a dose would put me at risk of more seizures. I had no choice but to go along with their plan and they knew it.

I continued to argue my point and she stormed out, shaking her head at me to speak to some other prescribers. I was not popular at all and I felt really awkward. My case worked then returned half an hour later with a prescription for the exact equivalent dose of 10mg Diazepam. No explanation. I didn’t see the nurse again. I highly suspect that she had her conversion calculation wrong which didn’t exactly fill me with confidence. I quickly found out that asking questions was very much seen as me rocking the boat. This was not the partnership I had been led to believe at the first meeting. It was very much a case of doing exactly what they say, no questions asked and be grateful for it.

I then noticed that the prescription was prescribed for one day at a time. For years I had been prescribed ridiculous amounts of this stuff and now I was only trusted to have one tablet at a time. I have never abused my prescription. I had only ever taken it as prescribed, never had any high, hell, I wasn’t even getting any benefit at all from it at all. It was me that flagged up to my doctor that I don’t think I should be on it anymore and me that instigated coming off it. Yet, now I was being treated like someone who had an addiction problem which was not the case. Cutting off my supply was ridiculous. I didn’t want the evil stuff. It just made every day more difficult for me. The fact that I have a chronic illness was not taken into account at all. I had to try and stumble around Sainsbury’s with debilitating fatigue and vertigo AND going through withdrawal to try and get to the pharmacy each day it was a total nightmare. Eventually I would be given one weeks supply at a time. When COVID hit I was given two weeks at a time to try and reduce the number of times patients left the house, so that was actually a real relief for me.

After a couple of weeks I started to have real difficulties with the withdrawal symptoms. I was reducing the dose by 1mg every two weeks, what I now realise is a pretty fast taper and a very fast taper for someone who has already had seizures due to withdrawing too fast. I was feeling more anxious and ‘out of it’, I hardly slept because of the insomnia and my vertigo was terrible. I would see my case worker every two weeks for about two minutes when I picked up my prescription. After dropping from 8mg the symptoms ramped up a bit but I was continually told it was nothing to worry about. When I got to 6mg I started having little seizures again which was terrifying. I also started noticing strange sensory symptoms. For example a song from the radio would get stuck in my head but it would be one line on repeat and feel like the song was being played in real life, it was really intrusive. I thought my doorbell was faulty as I would hear it ringing at random times throughout the day. It wasn’t faulty it was my brain struggling.

I called my case worker to say that I did not want to reduce the following week as little seizure like episodes were starting up again.  I explained that I thought I needed to level out for a couple of weeks before continuing on with the taper. I thought this was perfectly reasonable. She said she had to check with the prescribing nurse and I was called back later that day to be told simply no. I had to reduce the dose. It was explained to me that we had decided the taper plan at the initial visit and I had agreed to it. I had signed a contract and had to abide to the initial plan. I thought I had agreed to a taper where we assessed the rate as we went along but I was told that I was wrong. They prescribed my benzodiazepine so I had no choice. If I wanted to change the schedule I would have to have an appointment with one of their doctors, but the next available one was in six months time – so that was helpful. I was due to drop in a couple of days time. I was simply terrified and I knew I could not physically do it. They had all the control as they prescribed my medication but as time went on it was very apparent they had very little experience of working with benzodiazepine withdrawal. Withdrawal is scary enough without the realisation that you were being forced to do something dangerous because the ‘experts’ did not know what they were doing.

In a total state I made an emergency appointment with my own GP and explained the situation. I even took in evidence that shows that tapers should always be client led and you should never be forced to drop a dose. I was confident that she would help me. I was so scared of having another full on seizure, and rightly so after my recent hospital admission. Delaying dropping the dose seemed the safest thing to do. She leant back in her chair, folded her arms and said she would not get involved. I simply could not believe it. I felt very much that I was seen as being ‘difficult’ and that my concerns was just drug seeking behaviour. The doctor could not recognise that there is a difference between dependency and addiction, ironically to something they’d been practically encouraging me to take for years.

Thank goodness for the Bristol Tranquilizer Project who came to my rescue. God only knows what would have happened if I had been forced to make that drop when my brain and body was already clearly struggling so much. It is so important to get help with your taper from people who have experience of the process. They should be able to answer all your queries without getting defensive and the rate should be led by your symptoms, never by some pre-agreed plan made before hand as you never know how you’re going to feel once you start dropping the dose. My experience is that pretty much anything can come up as I was soon to find out…