Still on that boat…

Strawberry blonde in a dizzy world!

Groundhog Day!

March24

Warning: this post is not as upbeat as previous and may possibly slightly depress you.

Things are bad. Is this pay back for the fun period I had away or was it going to happen anyway? I don’t know and I just don’t know what to do.

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I know it’s probably not healthy to think in this way but I’m no different in my illness to how I was this time last year and the year before that. My life seems so pointless and I feel so useless. I have no control over my life and there is nothing I can do to make it better. Frustration is not the word! The medications are not working they just make me worse I’m simply just waiting around in the vain hope that one day things will get better. But will they? Am I just kidding myself ?

I am managing to do some things but I pay for it. I’m spending a lot of time in bed so my backs playing up again from just being inactive. At some points this week I’ve been so ill; just sitting on my bed trying not to vomit or pass out and drinking peppermint tea. I swear Twining’s will go out of business the day I get better. I have to text my poor mother for the tea as I can’t get up – my mum deserves a medal.

I did manage to go to the pub for a couple of hours but I just can’t really enjoy it. I know there are people who think there is nothing wrong with me as I can go out. I do feel I need to explain things to everyone but its exhausting. Some people are kind and ask me how I am but I’m so drained from putting on a happy face and pretending that everything is fine. I want to scream at the top of my lungs that actually everything is f#%^€¥g awful. I have worked hard all my life and always tried to be a good person; it just seems so unfair that I’m going through this constant torture! Just as I seem to make some progress I go back to square one 🙁

The bath is the best place for me as I can have a good cry without upsetting anyone else or pretending I’m ok. I swear I’m sitting in mainly salt water some days – hmmm wonder if that’s good for your skin?

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I don’t think it helps that it’s my birthday soon. I never envisaged that at this age I would be living in a room at my mum and her boyfriends place with no money, no job, no independence, no life. I’m happy for my friends don’t get me wrong, but they are all In their own homes, have jobs, having kids, married, healthy and I just think why can’t I have a normal life (whatever that is?). I know the grass is always greener and all that but I don’t even have any grass at all its just concrete!

Anyway, I know I’m feeling sorry for myself and hopefully i’ll pick up again soon and restart the game. I just thought it may help to have a moan. I got this fortune cookie the other day and I will try and follow if once I’ve had my wallow I promise 😉

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posted under Uncategorized
9 Comments to

“Groundhog Day!”

  1. Avatar March 25th, 2013 at 6:41 am Snowy Says:

    Sues, so sorry you are going through a bad patch. You are an amazing person and so many people care so much about you – don’t forget that! Not having your own house may be a good thing, I put a circular saw through a heating pipe on Tuesday and then put a screw through another heating pipe yesterday. Idiot!


  2. Avatar March 25th, 2013 at 12:40 pm Susan Cartwright Says:

    Oops! Sorry, was having a bit of a bad day yesterday and was rather fed up with things:-)


  3. Avatar March 25th, 2013 at 1:34 pm Emma Says:

    Sounds like Reuben was having a bad day too! :)I don’t know what to say Sues other than you’re not alone in this. I regularly read your blog and find your entries very funny and entertaining! It’s good to get these more sobering and honest accounts too though and while we might not necessarily understand, your friends can empathise through reading this. It’s important (and must be therapeutic on some level) to pour your heart out occasionally. We all need that from time to time.
    You’re always welcome to a mini- break to Worcestershire you know. I think chicken therapy is the next new and upcoming thing and I’d be happy for you to be my guinea-pig 🙂


  4. Avatar March 26th, 2013 at 8:29 am Cate Says:

    Sending you lots of love Sues. Thanks for being so honest with us, wish there was something we could do to help. Just wanted to let you know that you’ve not been forgotten. Big hugs xxxx


  5. Avatar March 26th, 2013 at 7:04 pm Becky Says:

    Hi Sues, you shouldn’t have to put up with this crap! you’re such an amazingly strong person and i think you deserve a medal! If not several. You will beat this. When is your bday and can we poss come and visit or you here? Bec, Stu and Zara xxx p.s. I dont know what it can be like but i do know when my post natal depression was at it’s worst it was nearly impossible to be positive and felt like being back at square one. But it has got better, still some down days but better all the time. Just wanted to share that there is always hope where there is a will and you are one of the strongest people i know. Huge hugs from us Xxx


  6. Avatar March 28th, 2013 at 12:49 pm Susan Cartwright Says:

    Thanks so much for all your support guys it really does mean a lot. Sorry if I was a bit too honest about how I was feeling but your messages have really helped to pick me up! It’s not that I’m feeling worse than before, in fact I actually feel much better than over Christmas it’s just that its going on for such a long time and I can’t cope with the thought ‘what if I’m like this for ever’ that keeps popping into my mind. It’s frightening. Liking the idea of chicken therapy ha ha (I want chickens here but mum doesn’t like them). I would love to do some mini visits but the travelling makes me really sick and I’m only just getting over getting back from Devon. Although I’m fed up of the bray I recognise I have to stay put for a while and let things settle down and then ill do some visiting, I think it could help. Sorry you still have days with your post natal depression Becky (thanks for being so open about it) I hope that you soon have all good days as you really do deserve it. I don’t know about me being strong but you’re certainly a toughie ;-). Thanks again for all you’re support it’s ace! xxxxx


  7. Avatar March 31st, 2013 at 9:48 am Claire Says:

    Don’t apologise for the post sues, it’s a good place to express how you are feeling, and it’s important not to suppress it. As everyone has said, you are an amazing person, fantastic friend, and very much loved. We are all here for you, anytime of day x


  8. Avatar April 5th, 2013 at 4:43 pm Susan Cartwright Says:

    Cheers Claire but i’ll try and keep the ginger whinger mode to a minimum 😉


  9. Avatar June 1st, 2013 at 12:53 pm Tim Blake Says:

    We’re always here for you Sues, you don’t need to explain. One day things WILL get better. You have to keep looking ahead although it may seem futile. I can’t imagine how you’re feeling most days. You know where we are when you need us, even if for a change of scenery. Claire’s right, expressing better than suppressing.


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Who am I?

Was – independent, intelligent (with plenty of dizzy moments), successful, busy, funny (depending on how much Prosecco I and the people around me had!), quite stressed out but overall happy, without even realising how lucky I was.

Now  – ? just a mess really! I was diagnosed with Migraine Associated Vertigo (MAV) eight years ago when my life changed dramatically. It’s a variant of migraine that means I feel dizzy and tired nearly all of the time. If I try and do anything ‘normal’ this sparks of vertigo which gradually gets worse and worse until I pass out unless I lie down for hours, sometimes days. What this means is I spend 90% of my time in bed in a quiet dark room. Normal activities like shopping, walking, going anywhere bright or busy, the cinema even visiting friends who have patterned wallpaper or a gravel drive is a nightmare!

I’m continually trying new medications, all of them with quite nasty side effects (worsening of vertigo, weight loss, hair loss and sense of humour loss to name but a few) to try and find the magic one that will work for me. Fingers crossed the one I’m on now will work, time will tell.

A good friend set up this website so I could become a ginger whinger. No I’m kidding, so people can understand what I’m going through and maybe it would help me to have a bit of a rant. I have quite a dark sense of humour, I think that’s the only reason I haven’t gone completely bonkers! I clearly don’t have the most exciting of lives but I live in a small village with some entertaining characters and I’m always having blond moments (I blame the meds but I’ve always been a bit dappy!). Who knows I may even get better, and I can assure you life will be filled with amazing adventures then!

Scrap that! After zillions of Consultants all saying that they know what’s wrong with me and that they can get me better. Endless drugs and procedures I was finally Diagnosed with Chronic Lyme which was great – until I find out that nobody in the UK has a clue how to treat it. That complicates things some what 😉

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