So, after my rather disastrous withdrawal attempt it was clearer than ever that I needed more help. I went to see my GP and his advice was to just go slow which isn’t that helpful. What exactly is slow? I thought I was going slow when I ended up in an ambulance. I understand it’s not his fault, withdrawal from benzodiazepines is poorly understood and not always taught properly. I don’t expect my doctor to know about everything but it worries me how easily doctors start these medications without understanding the complexities of how to come off them. I was advised to find a local drug and alcohol service and this seemed like a sensible plan.

It was a really daunting process sitting in this cold, smelly, run down waiting room filling in forms about my criminal convictions (none unless parking tickets count) and perusing timetables for needle exchanges when the only substance I’ve injected into myself is vitamin B12! I felt very much out of my comfort zone. I was being stared at by other clients, asked for cigarettes and glared at when I said that I didn’t have any. It was definitely less ’28 Days’ and more ’28 Days Later’ type of vibe that’s for sure. It was really depressing but I knew I had to just suck it up and get on with it if I wanted the right help. I’m sure nobody in that waiting room wanted to be there – we just all badly needed help from the claim these substances had over us.

The assessment with the nurse was equally as intimidating being asked rather personal questions about my illegal drug habits and sex life. I flip out when there is high fructose corn syrup in the ingredient list of a gluten free snack that’s falsely advertised as being a healthy alternative, so you can imagine how that conversation went. When I was asked if I’ve ever sold my body in exchange for drugs I joked that I get mine from my GP for free with absolutely no sexual favours involved. He just can’t seem to give me enough of the stuff. It didn’t go down well. I use humour when I’m uncomfortable. I was very very uncomfortable. She was not impressed and it was very clear to me that this was not a place to joke around.

I was then taken to the bathroom whilst the nurse stood outside the door whist I attempted to pee in a pot. I remember sitting there thinking ‘how on earth had my life come to this?’ I’m so health conscious, I’ve never even smoked a cigarette. I eat Kale for goodness sake and here I am being random spot tested for Heroin! I nervously awaited the results. Yes nervously, like I’d done hard core drugs and forgotten, like you do. What a day. It was humiliating considering I’d never abused an illegal drug in my life and had only ever taken benzodiazepines as instructed, but I understood it was a process that everyone who came for help had to go through.

I was given a plan with a timetable of my withdrawal schedule. It very much followed the Ashton Manual which is the most recognised resource for withdrawing from Benzodiazepines. I would cross over from my Clonazepam to Diazepam (another long acting benzodiazepine) which is done as it comes in smaller tablets so it is easier to reduce in smaller amounts. I would then reduce the dose of Diazepam by 1mg every two weeks. I was to see my caseworker every two weeks and if I was having any difficulties we could discuss it and adjust the schedule. It seemed really sensible plan to me so I agreed, happy to finally get the right help but with this gnawing sense that something wasn’t quite right. I should have listened to my gut.

I was soon to find out:

• The limitations of the Ashton Manual
• Why drug and alcohol services are not designed for people withdrawing from prescription medications
• The difference between addiction and physiological dependency
• The importance of getting the right support

Stay tuned